that old topic called LOVE again...

As I mentioned earlier, I will also write on the events that happened to me in the past. So allow me to copy an email I wrote to my close friend dated June 6, 2005. On that day, we argued about non other than the four letter word... LOVE, how we perceived love, the person we want to be with, our preferences and standards, the purpose of being in love and the list goes on and on. So with my friend's permission, my copy of the email, verbatim....its a bit long but here goes...


06/06/05 04.00 PM

Hemm


What I might say might be hard to swallow yet I am saying it from my own experiences of how I feel.... being an individual or a person, its normal for someone to have a need for another... Its natural to want to be loved and be in love...irregardless of how high or low the standard of that person that you want to be with...its normal to have a need for someone.....I have been there...being in love, being hurt by love and being in love again and again .... the feeling is exuberant, extraordinary because your head maybe so wise to reject a speeding train coming at you but the heart might tell you, why don't you feel it first than you know how much it hurts...a stupid analogy by your standard I might say..... the feeling of being with someone far exceed the feeling of being alone at home or anywhere else... The conflict is always there because being individual we can never be satisfied with someone else in total, let alone sometimes even oneself. Now and then, the world is sometimes being split in two and there goes the so call conflict....but there is always the magical word of EXCEPTION... the holy word of FORGIVENESS and the soul rendering word of AMEND and so call conflict will only become history of the past... and the process go on and on and on...because life is just that....a process.

Having all sort of feelings I must say is living a life...you cry, you smile, you laugh, you have intimate longing, you feel the hurt of jealously, the pain of being lost...and yet when I hold the person I love in my arms, I feel the bliss inside in which I cannot describe and with that every hurt, every pain before me melt in those magical moments...that feeling is LOVE... that feeling is what I meant when I say 'I don't like to be alone'... having someone to hold....looking into the person's eyes with the feeling that someone else in this whole wide world loves you...be it 18, be it 80... as long as you have that kind of feeling, u are alive... what is standard if you don't have that kind of feeling...funny but its true.

When I was a child I loved cats... I can stroke a cat for hours just to see its reaction, the purring, the half lid eyes and the pure feeling of someone loves and care for you....so when I started having feelings of my own just like that.... I have the same sensational feeling of being with someone....the joy of it...and I can't LIVE without it.....

Surely, when the world that you dream of with the one you love cave in, that bleak feeling was so horrible that you might decide to never be in love again....but the urge to be with someone far outweigh it...you grow to be more responsible and you learn to understand how others might feel, learn to compromise, learn to let go and calm or pacify yourself....learn how to show your intimate feelings to others....no theories....just living facts of life........

I have read a book.... I can't remember the name but its something to do with madison county (there was a film based on this book too)... a true story of a National Geographic cameraman who fall in love with a married woman in that county. They met for only a week...while the husband and her children went away for a school trip. The feeling of being in love were so great so intense.... it lasted the whole of their life time even though they never met again after that. The love story where discovered after she died...she left a letter to her children detailing their affairs...while the man love of the woman was told by a black singer who knew him... he was not married after meeting the woman of his life. If you review it without touching your heart, that this might sound way out of your league...nonsensical...illogical....but I cried... I know the odd feeling of it and again its so hard to resist........

So...to me... we can set standards...we can outline expectation...all that is our own destiny... maybe you will stick to it until the "right" time comes but as I get older....my priority changes... I have sky on my head and the earth on my feet...and out of it all I realised...it is not hard to satisfy others but is the hardest to control your own feeling and needs....that is still a process I am learning and controlling... I can advise thousands on how to handle jealously, but when it comes straight at you... the feeling is so strong I hope to have much better control in the future... if there is not even an ounce of jealously in your heart for your love ones or even your own friends (in a healthy circumstances, that is) than that person should rather be your enemy...hehehe

arghhhhhhhh..sharing you how I feel my dearest friend. Love is not a 'purpose' nor filling in the blank for me....its something I cannot live without.........

and yes....once I really do believe in you but you don't trust the uncertainty...aye......


..........yup that was nearly 4 years ago....and how do I perceived it...still the same but with more clear thing of what I want in this life...........the life is still in its rollercoaster ride....but I am happy for I can still smile in the morning even though its raining heavily...

Its just life after all............